Muscle Memory
by madkin
Summary: Being broken up with Jade is harder than he thought it would be. Not that he thought it would be easy. He knew that letting her get to ten would shatter his world. But he didn't quite grasp how much of being with Jade was muscle memory. / Post-breakup one-shot.


_A/N: Here's a slightly angsty post-break up story. I wanted to explore the side effects of losing someone that's been part of your daily life for years because missing someone is really about noticing the small, but frequent holes they left in their wake. So enjoy this one-shot! Also since I've been in a writing frenzy the last couple days, I'm taking requests for one-shots. Enjoy. :)_

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Being broken up with Jade is harder than he thought it would be. Not that he thought it would be easy. He knew that letting her get to ten would shatter his world. But he didn't quite grasp how much of being with Jade was muscle memory.

He finds himself unable to sleep without her. His bed's too big, too warm. He tries every position but it's all uncomfortable, so he starts sleeping with a pillow wall next to him. It helps a little.

He still buys two cups of coffee in the morning. And it's been 2 months. He never knows what to do with the second, so he just drinks both even though he knows two cups in the morning is way too much caffeine for him.

He finds himself reaching for her. He knows he doesn't have the right. That she doesn't like to be touched and that now includes him. He didn't even realize this was going to be a problem for the first month since Jade seemed to vanish from their friend group. And he got why. He'd also tried to withdraw, but their friends refused to let him. Sometimes he still resents them for denying him the right to grieve his own way. He thinks that maybe if they'd let him have his space he might not reach for her every time she's within touching distance. But he's learned to just accept the crescent marks his nails leave in the middle of his palm.

He has to delete her number from his phone. He still knows it, but having her in his contacts is too much temptation. Texting her when something happens is too easy if her number is just sitting there, taunting him. So he deletes it. But first he screenshots every text message they ever sent, or he tries anyway. At some point, his phone can't load them anymore without glitching out. So he accepts that what he has is all he'll get and he backs them up to his computer before deleting her from his phone.

He's late to school every day now. He never knew this about himself, but apparently, he can't wake up to an alarm. To be fair, he'd never needed to. Before he was 14, his mother used to make sure he was up and getting ready. When he'd moved out to the RV, Jade had followed. He knows that people think Jade is impossible to wake up. That he must be the one that gets her up every day and that it's a miracle he survives every time. But the truth was that she'd always woken up first. She showered first and then wake him. He'd shower while she got dressed and did her makeup. Then they would switch again. She'd do her hair in the bathroom and he'd get dressed. Then one last switch. She'd make them coffee while he did his hair in the bathroom. But now it's just him. And he can't wake up to his damn alarm.

Sometimes he finds himself alone in his RV and then he'll start talking and look to where he imagines Jade would be only to realize that she's not there. When he gets a late night craving for pancakes, sometimes he'll ask her to get the pan. Except there's no one there. He feels stupid every time, but he can't make it stop. He's never been alone as much he is now. And he doesn't mean emotionally. Jade had always been within 10 feet of him (at least when they were alone). She was always there to listen to a random thought or answer a dumb question, so he'd never filtered himself. But she's gone now, so he tries to get used to the idea that he's just one of those people that talk to themselves.

He's been strategically keeping his friends away from his RV. He knows that if they walk in and smell Jade's perfume and see all of her stuff scattered about as if she still lived there that they would pity him. And then they would interfere. They'd spend an entire day clearing out his RV of all her stuff and everything that holds an obvious memory of her. Then Cat would take all of it and drive it over to Jade's house, never to be seen again. And he thinks that if he allows his friends to slowly strip her from his life as if the last three years never happened, as if he never loved her, then he'll never forgive himself.

The truth is that Beck doesn't want his friends anywhere near his breakup or his heartbreak. He can already see that they think he's holding it all in and that it's only a matter of time before he breaks down. But he's dealing. He might not be ready to let her go, but he feels every emotion. Guilt, anxiety, loneliness, loss, despair. He just makes sure they're not around to see it. His relationship with Jade was private and he thinks that their breakup should be treated the same way.


End file.
